As the years have gone by, I have found myself feeling unsettled. Yes, unsettled is definitely the right word. You may know the feeling… the one that makes you feel as though you just want to run, or makes you feel as though you want to just jump right out of your own skin. It is not really an unhappiness, but instead, just a feeling of mild discomfort. I have felt this way for many years, and never really knew why. I am still not sure if I know the reason, but lately I have been really trying to consider this.
I was recently accused of over thinking things. Now I must note that I used the word “accused” with the intent purpose of emphasizing the negative way in which I took this judgment, and yes, I took it as harsh judgment. But after sitting on this for a few days, it occurred to me that it is not really a bad thing that I over think things. I would rather spend a lifetime examining things to death, than find myself at the end of my life not having cared enough to think at all! So looking at myself, I realize that my constant need to question things, situations, and other people is just the way I am. Take me or leave me, even though I am not so sure I even know who “me” is.
All of this over thinking leads me to look at myself in the mirror, and wonder who that girl (okay, middle aged woman to be specific) is really. I may as well be looking at a stranger, because truth be told, I have no idea who is looking back at me. Maybe this is a lifelong journey. Maybe we are not meant to really ever know ourselves. Did God put us here to only look outward? No, I believe we were meant to look within, but it is so much easier to not. I have spent a lifetime seeing myself only as others see me, or how I THINK they see me, but I think I may have to start really looking at myself through my own lens.
I recently complained that no one has ever really gotten to know the real me. But in reality, I have held others at arm’s length at times, fearful that if they knew the real me, they would not like what they saw. I have love still to give, and gifts yet to be discovered. But then, how can anyone ever discover in me, what I have yet to discover within myself.